Try, try, try again.

25 June 2014

I have to learn how to dare to fail. I hate failure I HATE IT BUT I STILL HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO BE UNAFRAID OF IT OR ELSE I WOULDN’T EVEN BEGIN TO 

 

8 July 2014

Wrote the above halfway before I realised I couldn’t go on so I stopped. They said that things have to get worse before they can get better, and definitely you don’t see the that ever ephemeral tiny speck of light in vibrancy — but I uncover new self-discovered failures about myself every single day and it gets so weary sometimes. It’s not that I don’t try to look on the bright side, I do it so much it hurts. It becomes a mantra where I go through a laundry list of everything I’m grateful for — from the major ones (thank you for my parents who are alive and happy and contented) to the small inconsequential ones (thanks for the Double Down I am grateful for the Double Down) and I acknowledge that to be born in this time and space, to live the life I have been given.. it’s a huge blessing in itself.

But it doesn’t stop the terrible ache that gradually seeps in when I lie back in bed or on the multitudes of transitory bus rides I sit through as I reflect on the day and realise what a selfish dickbag I had been. And am. And it’s so easy to crumble because of that mere thought, and this weakness bothers me greatly. In this life I yearn to be strong and brave and kind, and I am lacking, and this is crazily disappointing.

In the above I wrote that I can’t stand failure, and I have to dare to fail. Only I’ve realised.. I already did. And that cognisance is terribly heartbreaking. And I don’t even know how I am supposed to begin?  From another perspective, it’s downright silly to be so caught up with things like that seeing how our time here is ever fleeting but it is precisely the shortness of time it should dawn upon us to give the world our best. And it is right that it will never be enough, but we have to, anyway.

Even as I try to make changes, a word — or reverse affirmation that might not even stem true, or perhaps just a careless, thoughtless whisper — even something that minute is capable of ruining my entire perspective of myself. Which brings to mind the Wait But Why article I read yesterday — only if you disown your mammoth that you can find your Authentic Voice —  and this I have to work towards. Honestly I don’t even know what I’m typing here anymore but it’s really a culmination of everything of lack I’ve felt and even writing this makes me feel irrepressibly self-centred because why is it all about you you’re not the only person living here, you know.

I know we ought to be gentle with ourselves and all too often we are our own harshest critics. But it just sucks to know you’re so far back on where you want to be and even the steps you try to improve yourself falls on the regressive.. yeah it’s very disheartening.

this is a phase that has to be phased out.

There are three things I do when my life falls apart
Number one I cry my eyes out and I dry up my heart 
Not until I do this will my new life start 
Yeah that’s the first thing that I do when my life falls apart. 
Oh the second thing I would do is I would close both of my eyes
And sing the parts I knew of favorite songs up to the sky.
I go where I know the love is centering that look inside
Gathering new strength from sorrow, 
I’d die to feel alive. 
I keep it calm around me. 
I’m safe inside my storm. 
I’m seeing all is grounding. 
Cause on the ground you can’t get no lower. 
No when you’re grounded you can’t get no lower. 
Yeah the third thing that I do now when my world caves in, 
is I pause I take a breath and bow and I let that chapter end. 
I design my future bright not by where my life has been. 
And I try, try, try, try, try again. 
Yes I try, try, try, try, try again.

3 Things, Jason Mraz 

 

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