This might be on the verge of sounding extremely emotional but I guess that’s how I feel right now…? Which is freaking untimely given that A’s is barely a breath’s (okay, twenty days) away and you know, any rational person would tell you that I have no time for this. I get so angry with myself sometimes. But let’s get to it.
I’ve realised over the year — which is really my most tumultuous year yet, but I did do lots of growing (like a plant in Mraz’s garden, hardeehar) — that I have a stark inability to forgive myself. I don’t know if it sounds weird, but I am incredibly hard on myself and I tend to zoom in so irrevocably close on my flaws and blow them out of proportion and I get so upset with myself and I think, why the hell are you still not feeling terrible about it? Were you even thinking when you did it? (On hindsight, definitely not.) Why did you even do it? And so on the self-inflicted invectives stretches and stretches. And to be honest, I hate it. I hate being my own worst enemy when I am all too aware we all make mistakes. I’m not even close to being Hitler or anything, what the hell. But man, this self-repressive shit is hard. Really hard.
I don’t know if anyone else close to me feels this way. Probably not. And I really don’t know why I do this to myself — maybe it’s just an innate need or struggle to achieve the best I can, be the best person I can. But I know… it’s nearly impossible to seek out growth if one doesn’t forgive oneself. And dear God, I do try. But on some bleak days everything just swoops back and tosses me off-centre and it is really quite terrifying. And I run through episodes where I feel bad about something I did or didn’t do or say and yep, feel freshly bad about it once again. It’s honestly so tiring, if I have to say so myself.
The strange thing is.. I forgive others really easily. Even if I seem to resent someone or something, I’ve probably already thought about it and chalked it up to a minor flaw they possess, and in that circumstance I recognise WE ALL HAVE FLAWS and it’s kinda cruel to judge one of the basis of it. So yes, I don’t harbour grudges at all, lol. But I don’t know why it’s so easy to do it for other people when it’s really insanely difficult to do the same for myself.
I really really hope I will learn!!!! From now and to the future.
K I have to get back to studying~~~~ (with a bad gastric and headache. :( hate gastric. hate headaches.)