It just occurred to me that I’ve never written a reflection about 2014 as I scrolled back to the 2013 archives – this post in particular. The Belle Jar. It was in essence a post serving the dual purposes of reflection and me bemoaning my lack of remembrance in 2013. My jar is still resting on my desk, pristine and untouched, for a pretty long time. Needless to say I haven’t been putting happy notes in the jar religiously – though on hindsight I wished I did because it may have helped me see the mellow light in the bleakness that was 2014. I’m acutely aware of how melodramatic I sound… and I wish I was being melodramatic. Not that nothing ever came out of it though; I’ve learned loads on how to be a better person, a profoundly bigger person than myself and other important life lessons that can only be effectively conveyed through experience.
So here’s a part of what I wrote –
Every day somehow felt like a dream, minus the connotations of positivity and irrationality. It was like a palette of pastel colours; pale yellow, bright blue, ochre-red and purples splayed out in wisps across a blank canvas of a year.
A year later I see what I wrote as laughable. That was the primary reason why I began the Belle Jar in the first place – because 2013 (was, to me) nothing much to bleat home about.. because it was incredibly smooth-sailing and brimming with the gaze of an unnoticeably prominent happiness. I wanted 2014 to be different in the sense that I could remember it properly, that memories stuck out easily and I could learn and grow.
Except… I realised I didn’t need the Belle Jar to do all of those. All I needed was pain, self-loathing, and plenty of mistakes made in the process. I won’t go into details of what went down – if you’re close to me you should already know (and I don’t think anyone else reads this blog anyway!) – but it was really a trying time for me, haha. Add the prospect of A’levels into the complex amalgamation and yep – there you have it. My 2014 in a nutshell. I’ve glimpsed through my 2014 posts and I guess you can see a little bit of this unhappiness seeping through.. hmm. Overall, not the best year! But oh well, it really was needed. Plus it got a lot better by the end, so that was a tiny blessing in itself.
(I just felt like I needed to do a post like this for my own notion of closure, two months late. I wouldn’t say I want to go through something like that again, but heeeeeyyyy what’s life but a series of lessons and an excellent story teller?)