Six weeks into university and I daresay it’s been one of the greatest changes and challenges in my life. Honestly, I’m only writing this post because I want to put off finishing my Comparative Social Inquiry (CSI) – it’s basically a fancy schmancy term for sociology – essay before doing some late night blogilates with my suite mates. But I feel like I should detail some things on this blog because it’s where I’ve been journaling (kind of) on my life since a little over two years ago.
Because I stay in a residential college (RC), life literally revolves around school. We call this the “YNC bubble” – we’re so incredibly self-sufficient because we have everything we require in school itself: a well-stocked dining hall, classes, even supper at the butteries. It’s really easy to get lost in this stubborn maze of the same people, same routine, an all-round exciting stagnancy of sameness of life… and this I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or not. Time also works in strange, mysterious ways here – it’s all at once fast and slow; fast because after awhile the people you hang out with seem to have been in your life forever, but the weeks literally crawl by.
I’m not gonna lie, I was SO happy to be accepted into YNC because I never in a million years thought they would have wanted someone as utterly unexceptional as me – and I’m not even being modest here. I’m gonna draw comparisons to the other people I’ve been meeting and it’s easy to see why they’re here – they’re active, participative, multi-talented, enthusiastic, and the list runs long. I’m not saying that I’m not enthusiastic about learning and studying the liberal arts – I REALLY REALLY AM – but it’s a kind of enthusiasm that has mellowed itself out after weeks and weeks of the same pandering routine. I still enjoy what I’m studying, but it’s not as easy for me anymore. In CJ, for example, I really enjoyed ELL and studying it never was a chore (even though I could get really panicky come the last few weeks leading up to A’s); but here I feel like I’m just going through the motions of my coursework – enjoying it but not exactly impassioned, good but not exactly great.
Here’s the most pressing issue. I feel deeply inferior a lot of the times. I’ve already predicted it (maybe it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy? I really tried to avoid it the best I could, though.) prior to my admission to YNC – that many, many other people would be smarter than me and write better essays and say extremely enlightening and amazingly intelligent things. I’d say it’s unavoidable, because everyone has their own strengths and flaws and everything in between. Even so it’s such a sucky feeling to be entrenched in a lot of the time. I’m trying to tell myself constantly that I just have to be successful on my own terms, and these include being happy, carefree, making good friends, playing some sports I enjoy, and being comfortable hanging out on my own.
I’m gonna end the post abruptly end because my essay is calling out to me!!