Taking on the tide (with me)

wherethelightis

Cambridge, UK – still one of the most gorgeous places I’ve had the pleasure to visit

Over the past few months of college, I have been constantly asking myself – where do you see the light? I have a infinite tendency to overthink and create problems in places they didn’t used to exist, and I have been letting this tendency get to me. Sometimes I take it out of context, inflate them and make them irrationally difficult to resolve. Things that used to worry me still do — I still do find it terrifying to speak up in class, I still feel odd in certain social settings, and sometimes I just don’t want to get out of my room and talk to people.

Times like these would have me doing three things; running, talking to people, and writing. I’ve done the former two so many times that I’m pretty sure both the pavement and people have gotten sick of me, so I’m attempting the latter. One reason why I’ve temporarily ceased writing posts of substantial length is because… I feel like I’ve lost this notion of expression through words, and that scares me so greatly. Writing has always been a staunch avenue of personal growth and therapy, whether through fiction or cryptic concepts of the stream of consciousness, so I’m trying desperately to get it back. That is one of the reasons why I feel so utterly unfulfilled even though I’m learning so much here… because I feel any semblance of creative energy I may or may not possess in the first place has gone down the gutter.

I definitely have treated the people I loved the worst, and in ways they do not deserve. I haven’t been expressing enough gratitude nor have I been appreciative enough for the things I am privileged to receive from them… :”( This is something that bothers me quite a little and I really hope I improve from here!

Classes. I have been enjoying Philosophy and Political Thought (PPT) quite a lot… surprisingly. Organisations. I’ve been playing netball, and though I am nowhere near decent I am very very very glad and happy that I get to play twice a week! Essays. Trying to improve. Family. Hopefully still keeping close.

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On that note, I have to shower and head upstairs to do some SI readings with Huiyuan! That above picture was taken when Keith and I were studying in a cold classroom that reeked of sadness and despair…… we were probably trying to churn out an essay or two and doing the absolutely insurmountable readings this college assigns us….

One thing I’ve realised – it’s all in your head. I have to love myself a lot more, and stop relentlessly pushing away the people who I know love me. I feel like I’m ending the post on a somber note, but I do feel slightly better. It’s gonna be alright from here!

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Temple of Heaven in Beijing when we went over for our Week 7 trip. :~) I loved it and it really made me more aware of my Chinese roots and I’m very very proud of it – I used to shun it when I was a lot younger but that’s a post for another day.

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