for the most of yesterday and today, i was unwell. still am, actually. my headache compelled me to stay in my room and not go for class, and had very nice friends buy my favourite soupy mee hoon kueh for me with a side of teh beng. we watched youtube videos together – the time when i was supposed to be in class.
except when i think about it, i didn’t want to make my parents pay for this expensive liberal arts education just for me to kick back and be lazy. of course, i may be too hard on myself because i am not skipping class for the sake of it, but i’m thinking of my general work ethic. i was never really the most hardworking, and it shows. i was never really the most adventurous, and one can definitely tell. what am i getting out of this college education that i do not necessarily need? one of my concerns when i nearly chose NTU over YNC was the cost, and yet i feel i’m not working hard enough to show for it.
i have also been thinking about religion. we have been doing versions of it in different classes, sociology and lithum. i am a Christian, though i suppose you could say i’m a deeply cynical one. my parents are on the other hand deeply devout – going to church every week for service and to serve in the kid’s ministry and giving generously to the church’s building fund. i never really quite dared ask how they felt about their only daughter not sharing in the primary force that binds them together, and i don’t think i will ever dare to. but perhaps… disappointment? ache? a certain longing? i wish i could fulfill that. of course, my version of religion differs greatly from what they’ve been practicing in church – i’ve been in that particular church for awhile, and every time they experience a soulful “collective effervescence” i never quite felt the connection, and i never really acted the same. this prompted questions from well-meaning strangers, do you need me to pray for you again? do you feel like you’re in God’s presence? do you want to answer the altar call?
my favourite verse belongs in Ecclesiastes:
3 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven… A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
i wish i could bridge this darien gap.