It’s rather funny how the return of old friends can lead to a quiet self-revelation of one’s own. A couple of days ago, a friend I’ve known since I was thirteen but haven’t met up with since last year texted me. We caught up via text briefly before he told me there was something he really wanted to share –
I guess he found me a relevant person to tell these to because I’ve been an acquiescent Christian for awhile now, and even more so this year. I’ve been thinking about it, and I’ve figured that my breezy attitude towards my faith didn’t hit me quite as hard as it did previously because of my social environment, at least for this year. I’ve been incredibly busy because of my post A levels internship at a startup company — it has a massively social environment with really long working hours and it deals primarily with the milking of consumerism… I think I may be giving myself an excuse for my lack of cohesive thought of depth, but I think it has played a considerable part for myself not diving headfirst into this hugely complex web of entangled thoughts of a constant God-searching quandary.
Now that the tide has turned and time has allowed me to pause and reflect on what I place value on in my life, I find myself running on (near) empty despite the amazing place I’ve been lucky enough to be. I’ve been running and writing a lot in attempt to fulfill this seemingly irrational and illogical emptiness, and once again I find it to be the lack of faith in my life. I don’t and won’t deny the huge fundamental irrationality of my faith, and I’m not going to nullify how my religion has become, increasingly, politicized in our society. With megachurches hitting the headlines with regard to financial fraudulence and homophobia, it is difficult to find rooted ground on which to place one’s faith.
I was from one of these megachurches, and my parents still go there… religiously (ha ha ha). I found myself at a crossroads while I was there — a dilemma that felt had to be stretched across dichotomies and I wasn’t sure if I could recouncile it while being in a place I found disagreed with the values I personally identified with. So, I left about two years ago. It happens slowly at first, with you saying you’re busy, you’re tired, you have other things to attend to. Then the excuses gradually extends itself to a nuanced conviction, and before you know it you’re gone. I can’t say I haven’t looked back, because every time I happen to be in Marine Parade I always make it a point to walk past the church that has taught me many things and wonder why I couldn’t be one of them – those happy, cheery, smiley people huddled cosily in their cell groups with a faith that was stronger than mine. I know it isn’t easy for them to constantly stay rooted in their beliefs, and I admire their staunchness so, so much.
And here I sit, still yet moving, confused and wanting.