I can go on and on about how overwhelming I’ve felt the entirety of 2016 to be, of how mentally exhausting it was to have to constantly weigh decisions that could potentially alter the course of one’s life trajectory, only to find out that we are where we are meant to go, and yet there isn’t really a fixed route to one’s end, but that there’s always a means to an end. I could go on and on and on and never quite come to a steady conclusion about where I want to be. Because I do not know, and I can no longer claim the right to.
But who am I to dictate that I know what’s the best for me in this life when I don’t even claim to know myself & the recesses of my soul? I think that the biggest lesson of 2016 would be one of humility and grace. To accept the things that falls out of the strict trajectory that I’ve so obsessively planned. To find out that where I was was not where I was growing, and would not be where I would learn & love & understand myself. To have the heart to let go of the place and the person I loved, even though it hurt every fibre of my soul and every heavy bone in my being. And to this day I do look back with overly bright eyes of nostalgia and a heart that feels full and content, knowing that I would not change anything about the course of 2016, even though I genuinely do feel that it is one of the most difficult years I’ve had to face.
Of course, I write that being acutely aware of my privilege. I’ve had the opportunity to change from one good university to another & have the privilege of choosing between two courses I’ve wanted – SMU Law or NUS Biz? – just by virtue of academic achievement and other arbitrary things that I really think that I do not deserve. I eventually decided on the latter just because I wasn’t 100% sure that I wanted to become a lawyer + I knew that my interest in law hinged dangerously on episodes of Suits (lol) and random cases I’ve binged read over the years + I possessed vvv inadequate knowledge of what it would entail after I graduate + I was worried that interest alone wouldn’t sustain me through 4 years of rigorous mugging because I still did prioritise other aspects of the college experience.
case in point. I eventually decided to stay in RH and inadvertently ended up as cast for their annual musical production hahaha, and this played an incredibly huge part of my first semester as a once-again freshie. Being cast and enduring (rather enjoyably, I would say) days of back to back rehearsals, too many suppers and not enough sleep was just in line with a set of new resolutions I made myself before entering uni AGAIN – to participate, to take all the opportunities that pass me by, and to be open to things I’ve never ever done before.
This musical production ticked all of the boxes haha. Acting on stage? Singing live? DOING IT ALL AT ONCE? Nope. I did not possess a single ounce of musicality in my little body but life’s funny sometimes. The actual performance was (according to me anxiously skipping around post-perf and asking everyone I came across HAHAHA) really good, and I cannot be more proud of everyone’s collective effort and dedication to this little musical number. Hahahaha I really truly cannot believe I actually did this thing. Life is a truly strange thing.
I was going to write a little bit more, but blogging publicly feels incredibly foreign to me now. I’m just going to end off with a tiny (and happy) realisation that…
i’m content. Winter 2016, and I’m happy and blessed and content and my heart is so, so full. As always, I’m always grateful for the big things and the little things despite being such an imperfect and confusing person, and I’m so grateful for the good, the bad, an all these little in-betweens
and I say this despite me binge reading Wild in about 6 hours straight, experiencing the true nerdy the-book-is-over withdrawal symptoms, and feeling a certain chagrin of being so restlessly situated in this city I call home. I do feel a slight twinge of ennui with the knowledge that if I don’t actively do something (or just create my own luck, so to say), I might never experience things I’ve always yearned for – studying/working overseas, going on long weekend road trips to see sights of His wondrous creations, and for the chance to miss home and its quintessential teh bengs. But as per what I’ve written above, I know that at this moment in time I am where I am meant to be, and I am experiencing the things that I am meant to experience,
so, let’s just leave this up there while I work hard and hope for the very very best.