Today is strangely & ostensibly the day I caught the blues after numerous weeks of calm and contentment and joyfulness – and while I thought I was secure in the knowledge that my happiness came from within, it just took a few damning (& unwarranted, & unjustified) thoughts in the middle of the night to tear down this gleaming façade (?) of joy again. And that made me question… what is the source of this joy? What is the root of my cheeriness and my smiles? And why can it be torn down so easily?
I know more than anyone else my motivations, what I desire in my life, and what I yearn for. At the same time I know what my failures and flaws and regrets are, and how shameful I find some of them to be, and how I try to hide them away from the faces of the world
But do these things make me who I am – who am I? an individual, independent, bubbly, cheerful, yet mellow and too-quiet at important times of the day. Someone who desires the bigger, better things life has to offer, but also finds comfort in the simple, the still, the constant.
In my personal search for myself & in my journey of a bildungsroman over the years, I have never came to a single conclusion – I am, I am, I am, and I am always changing and changing and sometimes when I think about vestiges of my old self I can never be fully sure that it is who I was
Who am I, that the bright and morning star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart?
A single thing has always remained constant through the years, the struggles, the heartbreaks, the painful notion of having to pick myself up again & again and swallowing my thoughts and emotions for the strength to carry on, to be let down & disappointed by my own sky-high expectations, to give chances to the wrong people, to let myself down again & again… and that is You. I am undeserving, so so so flawed, so temporal, so fleeting, a wanderer in Your kingdom, but I always find myself going back to this golden relationship that is quite simply Ours. Amidst these things that make me blue I am still incredibly blessed and grateful for the big and the little things that make such an irrevocable difference. I will always be brimming with gratitude.
I want to – through my life, through my work – seek to glorify You and Your kingdom.
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still you hear me when I’m calling