haven’t been in this space for awhile, and i guess it’s because i’m feeling increasingly reluctant to share my thoughts on a space so public, but maybe it’s also because i find myself (gradually) being harder to understand and read, more so than usual
ah of course, the ever perennial millennial indulgence of not being able to understand oneself
but truth be told… it scares me. not being able to understand my own underlying motivations, why i do the things i do, why i want the things i want. i feel like the past 2-3 months have been life changing, enlightening. but not in any grandiose way that points me to a singular reason – but in small, gradual doses coalescing into a strange disparate whole… oxymoronic as it is. i haven’t been thinking properly about me. i haven’t been reflecting. the whole semester + winter passed by in a blur, and mentally i’m still trying to play catch up.
to recap y2s1: it was good. good academia-wise – i took interesting mods, met great people in my classes, and did quite well in the end for my standards despite being real busy with hall. i got the internship programme placement i’ve always wanted, and will be heading to stockholm for a year next semester if all things pan out well! i learned cool things about business, consulting, leadership. i felt kickass and super motivated. i met great people, had the best conversations, had a lot of kronenbourg blanc. usually at the same time. a huge theme over the semester + winter was the realisation that i was no longer who i was, and i’m not exactly sure if it remains a good thing, or not. people wouldn’t believe it, but i am naturally quite shy (i can see my friends rolling their eyes) though i am pretty outgoing, butttt honestly going out on most days mingling with people isn’t a thing i would usually do. but this sem showed me that i could, and on good days i genuinely enjoyed it.
though i feel now it has reached a peak, and right now i’m just extremely tired.
i think it was the semester that i forced myself to try new things, be open to new things, and withhold judgement over the things i deem to be irrevocably black and white. to be present – do now, think later. not the best sagely advice, but i can’t say that it wasn’t fun. i was never really this adventurous, and on my end it really scared me because i felt that i was becoming a person i didn’t recognise – not saying that it was a bad thing per se, but i felt myself losing an anchor that i always relied upon, and i’m not sure if i want it back.
y2s2? i feel so confused. i’m trying to get ahold of my bearings and my motivation, but as with all things it takes time to come to terms with the changes and the drifting and the constant
now i feel quite lost, i must say. i’ve lost the touch for writing, reading, running… things that have always sustained me no matter the seasons. i’ll slowly try to get these back and build myself up again…! i’m never at the stage where i can safely say that i’m the person i really want to be, but at the very least, i can say that i’m trying. and i suppose that counts for a lot
that being said, i’m still incredibly grateful for the things i have and the people i love. people who come into my life with no judgement but a keen sense of understanding, tolerance, love. accepting me the way i (was) and loving me the way i am. i’ve read somewhere that love is nothing but steadfast & constant, and i do hope to cultivate that sort of love with all whom i love.